#im constantly worried theres something wrong with me

[spleenthecat]

so i thought of a stan ENA au (stENA) and then i remembered that ENA is (theoretically??) a species so i thought of a ford ENA for that au (ENArd) and then i remembered that ENA is (theoretically??) a species so i thought of ENAs for the younger twins (dippENA + mabENA) stENA side 1: mr mystery. the business side. suave, smooth, flirty man. side 2: the depressed side. he doesn't really talk often but hes just. hes really tired okay. hes been through a lot. ENArd side 1: the adventurous side. always frolicking. looking for something new to study. joyful and whimsical. side 2: the paranoid side. always jumping at shadows. smart enough to know everything that will go wrong. mabENA (thanks commenter x1): side 1: the creative side. also joyful and whimsical but she gets lost in her own head a lot also. but omg sooo many sweaters!! side 2: the anxious side. constantly worrying about losing friends, breakups, everything she loves. dippENA (thanks commenter x2): side 1: the curious side. constantly running around looking for mysteries to solve. side 2: the insecure side. constantly worried about his own looks and impression. thinks everyone hates him. in general the ENA aren't a very trustworthy species so everywhere outside of gravity falls is. not that great to them. but then theres gravity falls so theyre pretty well off. im also trying to think of a clever way for bill possessions to take place but my mind is kinda blank on that so. if anyone more creative than me wants to share a take on that thatd be cool.

[nururu]

the amount of times I've been (rudely) made fun of for using 3in1 makes me so mad every time I think about it.... bc like........ predatory capitalism will get you around every corner. I can't just be myself and be happy about it. tv, books, ads, family, friends, etc. everywhere you go. everyone's been brainwashed into thinking buying stuff and doing what rich ppl say makes you better. like idk I'm sorry but I TRULY do not care about materialism or looks. attractiveness to me, comes from confidence and a kind personality. it has nothing to do with how anyone looks, or what they buy and have. doing stuff to make YOURSELF happy is amazing. doing stuff to make a point to others that you're better than them.... idk man... seems like a waste of time trying to fill a pot that has a leak and could fully break at any time.

[lvvgyu]

Stay for me..? C.bg x you

warning ⚠️⚠️

🔞!! toxic!gyu, obsessive!gyu, gyu masturbates infront of reader twice. Pillow humping, panty sniffing. Yknow, all the shit in a stalker fic! Theres hardly an ending to this but its been in my drafts so long that I just needed to get it out, prolly will make a part two just say the word! 😉😉

Beomgyu didnt understand how you could just ignore him.

At first, the calls were normal. He’d call during your lunch break to make sure you ate, text if you ended up when working long nights to say goodnight and encourage you to get your work completed.

A few months into the relationship there was a sudden change. Beomgyu couldn’t stop messaging you constantly, calling you, and berating you about who you were with, how long you would be there..When you’d come back to him..

He’s just showing you that he loves you, why would you get mad at that?

But are you even mad? He’s not sure, he’s just assumed that since you haven’t texted him or called him back, you’re mad. God, he wants to hear your voice again.

His calls are one after another. Why won’t you answer him? Did you find someone better? You can’t leave him..He loves you so much, and you love him! So why are you doing this to him?..

“baby?..Why didn’t you answer my calls? I’ve been texting you all night, are you okay? Did something happen?” His voice is laced with worry.

You glance at the phone and start to respond, watching the traffic light turn to green.

“I’ve been busy at work, Gyu..I’m sorry I couldn’t answer, I was jus-“

“You’re on your way home right? I want to see you so bad, I was so worried..” He says, the worry in his voice not even slightly gone. You grip the wheel tighter and sigh quietly.

“Yea, Gyu..I’m on my way…” You say gently. You wish he would calm down a bit, he’s making it seem like you’ve been gone for days.

He speaks again, his voice softer this time.

“Are you mad at me?..” Even though he decided to ask, his guts twist at the suspense of what you’ll say. What if you are mad at him? He just wants to be good for you, he wants to be yours and he wants you to be his!

“No..Gyu, baby I’m not mad..” You say, looking at the time and then glancing ahead at the road.

“Yeah you are..” He says gently

“I-I just want you here, I need you..I really need you..” As the words fall from Beomgyu’s mouth, you can hear how slurred they are. And you figure that he’s worked himself up so much that he can barely speak coherently.

“Gyu, I’m almost home. We can talk about this, yeah? I have to hang up but, im not m-“

“You don’t even wanna talk to me?…What did I do? Did I say something wrong? I-im just worried about you and that..that guy, Yeonjun or whatever..You’re always with him and then..you come home, like you’re angry at me..”

You don’t respond, trying not to fuel his anger anymore. When you hear his sniffles and hear shuffling, you decide to hang up.

He calls back immediately, spamming you with text messages and begging for you to call him back. To stay, to be with him for just a bit longer. He needs you, that’s what he always says.

The car ride lasted about 5 more minutes, and when you reached for keys to the front door Beomgyu had already opened it.

“Baby! I missed yo-“

“Gyu..I need to talk to you…”

Beomgyu still doesn’t understand. A break? Why would you want to take a break from him?..You love him, so why would you ask for a break?

“No..no, no you can’t do that..” He moves closer to you quickly. Trying to grab your hands.

“Gyu, I love you. You know that, but all of this is overwhelming..” You say, kissing his hands gently.

He shakes his head, searching for your gaze with his own teary eyes.

“But I NEED you..” He whispers.

After moments of silence, there’s a soft rustling sound and frantic movements made by Beomgyu. When you look up, you see him removing his clothes. He wipes his tears and sniffles as he grabs your hands again.

“Let me show you! I can be good, I’m worth it I promise.. I’m-..I…” He stops once he sees your worried expression. Not frightened, at least not visibly.

“I’m leaving for now..I need time to think…”

Beomgyu watches you leave, wanting his tears to stop you somehow. When he sees that you’re actually leaving, he’s already trying to find a way to make you come back to him..

You were pleasantly surprised by how distant you two were becoming. No more constant calls from Beomgyu, or text messages.

Until one day.

When you received a video from Beomgyu titled “come back :((?” You were beyond confused. He hadn’t texted you in days, never called, and it was refreshing.

Opening the file, you didn’t expect much. But as Beomgyu came into screen and fixed the camera, you were utterly confused.

“I miss you baby…I know you miss me too..” He says softly, His hand moving away from the camera as he gets comfortable on the bed. He pouts softly as he looks into the camera.

“I know you’ll come back, you always do..” He says softly as his fingers come up to rub his nipples.

You always loved how sensitive they were, and how his body would react. Beomgyu let out soft moans and tilted his head slowly, moving his hand down his body gently.

You want to turn it off, to tell him that he’s gone too far this time. But..

He looks so pretty, and you know it just for you. His legs are spread perfectly infront of the camera, his hair falling onto from his forehead. Just slightly covering his pretty eyes.

Beomgyu grabs something from off of screen, a pair of your panties. He gently takes them and brings them up to his nose, taking a gentle whiff.

You should be disgusted, really..Hes jerking off infront of you, using your panties to get off.

But you aren’t disgusted..in fact, you’re turned on.

Beomgyu pants gently, sniffing the panties as he jerks off.

“I love you..I love you, i just want you to come back..I-I need y..” He can hardly continue to speak, stroking his cock faster and faster.

His hips thrust up constantly, and he grinds against his palm. “Please, want you to come back..just want you-“

Beomgyu whines in frustration, every attempt at trying to get off comes to no avail..Because its not you..Its not you stroking his cock, its not you silencing his moans because hes always a bit too loud.

Tears brim in his eyes as he pulls his hand away from his cock. He whimpers and reaches for your pillow behind him, slowly shifting and straddling the pillow.

As you watch, your gaze falls onto the way his hips thrust, desperate and needy. Normally, you’d be there to soothe him. But now, all you can do is watch.

“Y-y/n..” He whines gently, thrusting onto your pillow. Beomgyu tilts his head back, finally finding some relief after all these tries to cum.

And for some reason, you turn off the video there…

You immediately open up your text messages and stare at his contact, attempting to find something to say.

But, you leave it at that. Turning off your phone and sliding it to the side. Of course Beomgyu wouldn’t let this break happen…

Guess the break’s ending already, hm?

[pinkpigtailsprincess]

𝜗𝜚 ݁ ˖ The Advice Column Issue No.1 ; How to deal with fake friends while balancing school life 🎀🧁

Hii Dolls!!!⭐️ This is officially the first issue of my Brand new segment The Advice Column!!!! and i chose the topic fake friends bc as someone who’s had an alarming amount of fake friends in the past i can definitely give endless advice in this topic and its a collab with the @honeytonedhottie !! bc i thought she could also give so really good advice!!🎀⭐️

Are you struggling with keeping up in your studies? worried if your friends are talking behind ur back? Stressed? Feeling like school and socials are just to much??? DONT WORRY!! Dolly n Honey are gonna save the day!! 🎀⭐️

Section 1 ; Honey!!🍯

how to balance ur school and social life (in bullet points) !! 🎀🧁

- make a list of priorities and stick to it like its a handbook

- practice saying no to events and saying no to excessive studying, the key is to find an equilibrium

- combine social and academic events

- make sure to use ur time wisely and do whats important first, so that then u can have loads of time for ur social life!

Section 2 ; Dolly! 🎀

No.1 ; Stand up for yourself!! ⭐️

if ur so called “friend” is constantly make smart remarks about you,scrutinizing you for the smallest thing,being passive aggressive or really just trying to hurt your feelings always stand up for yourself and never let insult like that because that shows that you have no self respect and then they’re gonna just keep doing it set clear boundaries and don’t be a doormat never let this person/people walk all over you , if you didn’t appreciate something they said don’t take shit from them address and make sure it never happens again

No.2 ; spotting a secretly fake friend⭐️!

now there’s obviously “friends” that you can spot from a mile away that they’re definitely toxic but theres also a certain type of friend that could be the sweetest to ur face but secretly talk shit behind ur back and its honestly not that hard to spot one of these “friends” so here are some characteristics of ‘the secretly fake friend’

- never sticks up for you

- constantly lying

- at time can be very passive aggressive

- will tell you that someone was talking about you and not defend you at all

- will make you feel like a bad friend even if they’re wrong in the situation

- if you’ve ever confronted them on their behavior and they say they’re sorry but then repeats the same actions

- lets their other friends talk shit about you

- HUGE VICTIM COMPLEX!

these kinds of fake friends are tricky bc you really can’t spot them at first and then it can be harder to cut them off which brings me to my next point

No.3 CUT THEM OFF !!⭐️

listen i know its hard to let go of these people at first im mean I’ve had to do it multiple times but i swear it gets sooo much easier to not have these people in ur life its way better to have no friends than a bunch of friends thats secretly hate you don’t stay caught up on toxic people like this its a waste of ur own peace and well being , block them,stop following them,stop talking to them have NOTHING to do with these people/person

No.5 ; Ur not special !!

now this title is a bit alarming but what i mean by that is if you have a friend that’s constantly talks down about people for no reason whether it be their friends or someone they know and im not talking about the standard gossip talk bc tbh everyone gossips but im talking about like drags them through the mud calls them mean names and purposefully spreads rumors about other people they’ll do it to do you as well ur not special i doesn’t matter what this person is telling you they’ll talk about any and everyone it doesn’t matter people like this do not care

No.4 ; Being Un-phased !! ⭐️

now after you cut them off either gonna

A. make it seem like they’re innocent and have been nothing but nice to you and try and make you feel bad

B. Act like theirs beef when in reality theres not they just want a reason to start a problem

C. to the standard mean girl remarks side eyes,whispers,random pointing and slightly laughing, or even in some cases talk loudly about you but indirectly

now in any of these situations never let it bother you show no reaction these kinds of people feed off ur fear of them shows no reaction when it comes to things like this and you can also do it back side eye them back,give them weird looks back now im definitely not saying be just like them but play their game don’t let disrespect like this slide and i know how hard it can be especially since these are people ir support be close with but i promise making friends that actually care about you is WORLDS BETTER!!! you’ll have such a peace of mind and being able to make friend that actually care about you is such a freeing feeling!!!!

Reminders!!! 🎀🍯

- they’re opinions don’t matter

- these people are no above you in any way shape or form

- stress is normal don’t let it get to you !!

- you deserve much better friends

- it normal to feel sad after cutting them off

- this person/these people don’t deserve you!!!

- you got thiss!!!

[karin-miyoshi]

Do you think yuyuyu is ableist?

sheesh, talk about a loaded question

definitely opens up a lot of rabbit holes. ill give my opinion, but note im not the most educated on the subject itself so giving a definite answer is outside my scope.

ill put a read below, but for me, i personally think it isnt, but can be easily misinterpreted as is on a surface level.

tldr, ableism is discrimination towards those with disabilities.

the character in question most of the time when it comes to these topics is tougou, who uses a wheelchair in season 1 due to losing function in her legs. there are never any distasteful jokes made about this, and the show constantly shows various handicap friendly services throughout the show. something even more surprising is that these are never the core focus of the scene or pointed out, its always well integrated into the world as if it were normal (important).

just skimming through s1, we have:

wheelchair assistance integration for both cars and stairs

special swim courses for the disabled, not separated from the rest of the class

beach wheelchairs and separate assistants

now while we can assume a lot of these were due to her previous service as washio sumi, i dont think that would really be fair to the production team putting these in, and it really feels like theres a lot more heart than "yeah we put these for the big shock value realization later on". even after regaining function in her legs near the end of the season, tougou's priority was always towards yuuna and her recovery.

onto the next topic, which is the show taking away and then returning these characters functions throughout. whats important to consider here is what is considered tragic, is it the characters living without these certain functions, or is it the act of losing these functions themselves?

"It'll definitely improve. I mean, we haven't done anything wrong." (Fuu, s1ep9) again, no distasteful jokes made about their disabilities, and fuu even plays it off with her sick eyepatch. her worries instead stem from the loss of itsuki's dream, in the form of her no longer being able to sing. thats the key factor here, being punished for doing what is right, losing the ability to do what you could do before, losing the memories of the time you spent with your friends. (thats another thing i see with a lot of these arguments, they always bring up physical disabilities, but ive never seen one actually talk about ones regarding memory, arguably the most precious thing to them). tougou flat out doesnt remember sonoko at all despite being comrades in arms before, and understandably freaks out that the same might happen with her and yuuna.

now, understandably, the ending to s1 seemed super rushed, and them getting their bodily functions back seemed rather sudden. this put a lot of people off, and was really only explained in s2, which many didnt watch.

people should be allowed to grieve if they lose something important to them, and should be allowed to be happy if they get it back. personally, i dont think people realize the weight of their words when they say, "oh i wish karin wouldve stayed deaf, itd be really cool to see the club members learning sign language for it" or "yuuna in a wheelchair was really cute, i wish we saw more of it." yeah its a cool idea i guess, maybe something to see while theyre stil recovering, but forever? in a chase to see more representation, i hope they realize what they are wishing onto others eventually (even if fictional). while many with disabilities are satisfied with their life, they should be able to wish for better if they wanted to, its not like theyd wish their circumstances on anyone else, right? shouldnt the same apply here, to the girls who've actually lived both with and without disabilities?

just my two cents, hope this wasnt too hard to read! theres a lot more i could write up, especially regarding sonoko, but thats a whole other discussion i should probably save for another time

[fujii-draws]

so the dusknoir fic has not left my head since morning and im gonna make it your problem /j.

i like to think that a reason as to why dusknoir was having such a crisis when parental instincts kicked in is because theres still a lot of baggage to unpack when coming to terms with what he had done, and how he sees bits and fractions of it in the current day with aimilios and ribbons.

ribbons decides to relax on his plumage collar thing? instant flashback to back when she was but a teeny tiny eevee, and he was the great adorement in which she so willingly and delightfully looked up towards. back when he chose to play along.

aimilios holds his hand close, and just yammers on about whatever it is that happened in his day? instant flashback to back when the boy was but a timid riolu, not wanting to bother/be of inconvenience to someone like dusknoir, to the point where he didn't believe that dusknoir *should.* back when dusknoir was so caught up in playing House with these two, that he might have just felt a pinch of guilt to what he was about to do next. *might*.

the kids are justifiably worried about him, and actively wish for to be better because they care? instant flashback to the time where the same had happened, and look what became of that.

every action, every gesture of kindness, any word of appreciation is rooted in such turmoil. a voice that constantly beckons and taunts him with how all this could have been possible before if he was not such a *coward.* if he wasn't so caught up in his own fear and self preservation, he could have been someone else, someone whos atonement isnt holding him by the neck like a dog.

in short terms, dusknoir doesn't believe himself to be their father because there is no way he deserves to be called as such. a father loves his children, a father proves to be trustworthy and caring, a father will do everything to ensure the safety of his kids, and even if he *does* prove all those beliefs to be true, does that ever change the volume of the echo that those six dreaded words he uttered to be any lower? does that make his hands any less stained?

i could be wrong, so correct me if i am. very eager to see the epilogue.

NO YOURE ABSOLUTELY ON THE MARK. Hell I’m pretty sure I said the same thing but in the form of a shitty discord screenshot 😭

BUT YEAH. He’s already grateful for the fact that they’d re-invited him into their lives even after everything. And those two being ‘teammates’ is enough for him. He can’t be selfish or overstep boundaries in his eyes (or singular eye). He’ll find himself cradling/hugging those two and think ‘hm. Something a father would do. I should stop.’ Unable to hear Ribbons and Aimilios’s confused whimpers towards why he let them go and left.

He’ll teach Aimilios via reading until the boy’s fallen asleep and he drapes the Lucario with his cloak. He’ll allow Ribbons to stay wrapped around his neck for as long as she wishes. Smiling softly whenever she begins to groom/lick his face. So it’s no surprise why Dusknoir’s mind just glitches to go after those two.

[mattisthehottest]

Things I would do for you

pairing: bf!Matt x Y/n

Warnings: Fluff, fighting (not with y/n), rumors, minor cursing, NOT PROOFREAD

word count: 500+ I think 😭

Summary: What your boyfriend does for you when he hears the rumors being spread about you.

a/n: I basically dreamed about this.

○---------‐------------------------------------------------○

● Y/n POV ●

I walk in the school, arm in arm with my boyfriend, Matt. People look and started whispering. Matt notices this and furrows his brows at me. "What are they talking about, Y/n?" I look and see them staring at me in disgust. "I'm going to class, Matt." I slip my arm from his and run quickly to the bathroom.

Some girls walk in after me. "I can't believe Y/n would do something like that." One girl says, and the other two agree. "It's going to be really sad when Matt finds out." The blond one to the other two. I wait for them to leave before walking out the bathroom stall. "What were they talking about?" I mumble to myself.

○○○

The whole day went by with people staring at me and whispering. Matt started to get worried. Speaking of Matt, where is he? We normally meet by the lockers before going to science. I'll text him.

To My Matty:

baby, where are you??

I wait a few minutes, and he still doesn't respond. He didn't even open it. What is he doing? Is he too busy for me? Maybe he's jus-, my thoughts get interrupted by some people shoving past me. "Hey," I stop a kid running through the crowd. "What's happening?" The kid quickly says "Theres a fight!" The kid continues running through the crowd. A fight, who's fighting? Maybe I'll find Matt.

○Matts POV○

"I'm going to class, Matt." Y/n says as a lot of people look at her and start whispering. I watch her slip out of my arm and disappear into the female bathroom. I turn to see everyone sighing and whisper, but before I can ask around, the bell rings.

As I sit in class listening to the teacher, my mind drifts to this morning. why were they all staring at her and whispering? Did she do something wrong? I continue to drift farther into thought. "Matt! Matt!" Chris whisper to me. I look up to him, pushing my thoughts to the side. "Dude, were you sleep or something? Class is over." I look around the class to find only me, Chris, and Nick in the room. "Sorry."

○○○○

I angerily walk up to Jake and grab his shirt collar. "The hell did you spread that rumor about y/n for?" I basically yell in his face. "Woah dude, let's not get to angry now." He says with a grin. "Who said it was me?" He pushes me back a little.

It's been bothering me all day that everyone keeps staring and whispering about y/n. Maybe I should look around. Something gotta point it. the way of the reason

○30 minutes later○

I found nothing. Im in the bathroom washing my hands when I hear some boys talking. "I might need y/n to give me some if Jake says she's that good." The boy with the blonde hair says. The othe boys laugh. I furrow my brows as I walk to them. "What did you just say?" The boys gulp in fear.

I walk out the bathroom, feeling my phone vibrate. Remembering what the boy in the bathroom said, "Jakes been going around telling everyone that y/n's been secretly seeing him behind your back!" He rushes the words out of his mouth. My nostroils flare in anger.

That led me to this point. On top of Jake punching him in the face. Over and over again. Everyone surrounding us and recording it. Everyone cheering, "Fight! fight!" I ignore everyone and everything around me. My anger gettung the best of me as I feel my phone vibrate constantly in my pocket. I completely ignore it feeling Jake throwing punches back. "Stop, please!"This is the last thing I hear before i get knocked out.

~•Y/n's POV•~

I quickly follow the crowd of people. Finding a ring of people trying to get a good view and recording of the fight. I try pushing my way through to the crowd of people.

When I make it to the front of the crowd, I find my boyfriend and Jake throwing punches at each other. I need to stop him before someone gets hurt! "Stop, please!" I yell out right as Matt gets knocked out. I quickly run to my boyfriends limp body on the floor.

○○○○

I wait next Matt, holding his hand. I see him slowly open his eyes. "B-babe?" I quickly shush him. "Baby, rest, you were just knocked out." He looks around my room. "We're at your house?" he asks in a barely audible voice. I smile gently at him, giving him a kiss in the cheek. "Yes, baby." He hums gently while closing his eyes.

I walk into my room with a sandwich in one hand and orange juice in the other. "Baby, I brought you food." He sits up with a wince. "Thanks, love." He says as he takes a bite from the sandwich and smiles. "Is it good?" He looks up at me. "mhm" I smile.

I sit on a chair beside my bed. "Why did you do it?" He shifts on the bed and looks away. "Matt." I say sternly and he doesn't answer. "Matthew Bernard." He looks at me. "He was telling lies about you." I frown "Baby, that doesn't mean go beat people up for me." He looks at me and smiles. "You don't know all the things I would do for you." I smile and kiss his lips.

After I clean up the mess, I turn on a movie and snuggle I bed next to Matt. "Your taking such good care of me." Matt says facing me. "I have to, whi esle would if I didn't?" I chuckle. "I love you, y/n." He pulls the cover over us both and wraps his arm around me. "I love you too, Matty." He leans his head down and kisses my lips.

This boy doesn't have the slightest idea what I would do for him as well. But maybe neither of us knows hiw much the other will do for them

I lay me head in his chest as we watch the movie and smile. He smiles looking down at me. "Soemeones happy." I nod my hair. "Because you did it for me." He chuckles, "Anything and everything for you."

a/n pt2: I don't know if i like the ending 😭

Idk if you guys wanted to be tagged, but you encouraged me to post:

@y0urm4m @sturniolovsp @patscorner @sturniolosmind

[raveneira]

Me- maybe next chapter it will make more sense

Also me- 🤡

anyway thanks! i like reading your posts and appreciate your pov. Any idea as to what could be next?

Pfffft nothing wrong with being optimistic, just make sure to always prepare yourself for the worst as well, that way even if the worst happens it wont hurt as much lol

And no, thank you, Im happy you enjoy reading my posts 🙈

As for what I think could be next...well I dont have one singular idea, but I have a few hunches

Boruto is gonna gonna get bodied by Jura, because as KK said, he's seen multiple futures and all of them end with Boruto being killed by Jura if he went there

We know Boruto isnt going to die, but he, by KKs own words, can NOT survive against Jura, he is destined to die in every future, so we know this for sure at least that Boruto is not winning this fight.

Kawaki's limiters being brought up was probably for this moment, Boruto couldnt restrain himself and went there against KKs warnings, so now hes going to get dominated by Jura, and since Boruto cant die and none of team 7 can help him against Jura since they dont stand a chance either, the only logical outcome is that Kawaki will have gotten his limiters off and go there to save them.

Sarada will probably sleep through this entire ordeal until its over, to keep consistent with her constantly being left out of all the major details [Kawaki sealing away Naruto and Hinata, Mitsuki and Shikamaru being on Borutos side, Ada working together with KK and Boruto, Hidari being her fathers clone etc] so Mitsuki and Konohamaru will witness and learn everything but Sarada wont, and majority of it they wont tell her, at most they'll tell her that Kawaki saved Boruto and called a temporary truce to team up against the Shinju, everything else that ensues they'll keep to themselves.

I hope not because theres been way too many fake out deaths, but its possible Yodo isnt dead, because Ikemoto cant commit to killing anybody

if Yodo is dead it would be interesting to see Shinki's reaction to it since it was HIS clone and HIS power that killed her, and we also got this flashback of him saying how he wants to protect his father and the village and sacrificed himself to protect his dad and give Yodo and Araya a chance to escape

I also think he'd probably feel alot of guilt about it, not just cuz it was his power that he wanted to use to protect the ppl he cared about that did it, but also because of what Araya said, that he should pay Yodo some attention too [implying he wasnt] so thats probably gonna weigh on him alot, that he should've listened to Araya and treasured his time with Yodo more.

What makes it sadder is what Yodo said shortly before dying

To her Shinki was someone she wanted to stand by even if the rest of the world hated him, which could imply Shinki wasnt as accepted by the village as we might think, which would explain Yodo's overprotectiveness and attachment to him.

So it will really be interesting if Yodo dies and Shinki has to live with the guilt of losing someone who cherished him so much, his friend, someone he wanted to protect, died to his own power.

But of course something that actually delves into the characters emotions and raises the stakes is too much for Ikemoto so we're probably gonna get none of that.

I feel bad for Araya tbh, the whole time all he did was worry about her and even saved her when she got bit, which caused him to lose his only counter to Ryu, and the last words she had said to him was this

So yea, really sucks for Araya, especially since even after all that hes still really devoted to her

Anyway movin on

6 Sarada and Sumire's convo after this could go one of 3 ways...I plan on making a theory post delving more into this topic but for now I'll just give you the possible scenarios

Sarada could confess to Sumire that she does in fact like Boruto and has been holding back these feelings this whole time and she apologizes for lying to her, which will cause alot of awkward tension because while Sumire was honest and open to Sarada about her feelings out of respect for her as a friend not wanting to go behind her back, Sarada essentially lied to her face for 3 years, which is a valid reason for there to be tension between the two.

Basically a worse written version of this.

Sakura couldnt wait to tell Ino [and the others] who she liked, but Ino kept her feelings to herself, which Sakura eventually found out on her own and thats when their friendship ended

I can see Ikemoto possibly going for a half assed version of that, Sumire felt comfortable telling Sarada how she felt, but also didnt wanna just step on her toes if she happened to also have feelings for Boruto, so Sumire did the good friend thing and ASKED how she felt about him before telling her how she felt and Sarada said point blank that no she doesnt like him, so Sumire felt at ease to tell her she DID like Boruto since things wouldnt be awkward now right? Sarada doesnt have feelings for him, so Sumire excitedly declaring she does like him should be no problem.

After all, Sarada said other girls liking Boruto doesnt bother her.

So thats scenario one, Sarada admits she likes Boruto and Sumire feels betrayed because yea, kind of messed up, not that its a problem for Sarada to like Boruto just cuz Sumire does, the problem is Sumire was honest with her BECAUSE she wanted to be respectful of Sarada, if Sarada has said she liked Boruto back then, Sumire wouldnt have felt bad about it cuz why would she? she was honest with her, she'd just admit she likes Boruto too and they'd just pursue him together.

The ugliness comes from Sarada keeping this from Sumire for 3 years, then rubbing it in her face under the guise of just her missing/being close with her childhood friend, when all along she WAS inlove with him too and was basically makin moves on him behind her back [cuz Sumire just thought it was platonic when it wasnt] and just completely disregarded Sumire and her feelings for him, she didnt even acknowledge Sumire HAD them, she told her how she felt and Sarada never once thought about it since, only her own feelings.

So yea, Ikemoto might do a worse version of what happened between Sakura and Ino, one being open and honest with who they thought was their friend, and the other lying to them and eventually being found out and feel betrayed, putting a strain on their friendship.

Sumire will feel betrayed by Sarada and rightfully so, lying to her face THIS LONG when Sumires been open and honest with her this whole time, its totally valid for her to feel some type of way about it and distance herself.

The second scenario, Sarada actually doesnt like Boruto and apologizes to Sumire for her lack of consideration and vows to be more considerate and supportive of her feelings from now on

The third scenario is Sarada still doesnt address if her feelings are or arent romantic, but she apologizes to Sumire regardless and promises to be more considerate from now on and the two reconcile

Those are the 3 possible outcomes

7 Sumire might go through her own mini arc and have her own development from this, to stop being so passive and start being more proactive, to not just feel hurt by Sarada making moves, but to start making her own moves.

Obviously not the same moves as Sarada since those are reckless and careless, but ya know smart moves, or moves that show her courage and just how far shes willing to go for him etc.

If the lesson Sarada learned from this arc is to stop holding back her feelings, then the lesson Sumire should learn from it is to stop being overly considerate of others, because its great that she cares about and respects other ppls feelings, but sometimes you can be considerate to a fault which Sumire is.

Im not saying she needs to stop caring entirely, but she needs to learn the opposite lesson from Sarada, whereas Sarada needs to learn to be LESS selfish, Sumire needs to learn to be MORE selfish.

She's too selfless, too understanding, too considerate of others who arent considerate of her, she holds back her feelings not because she thinks their weakness but because she doesnt wanna upset other ppl, she doesnt wanna make things awkward, so she bites her tongue, keeps her true thoughts and feelings inside which is a bad thing.

So its possible, maybe, that Sumire will learn a lesson from this as well, which is hopefully to start being more selfish, its ok to love Boruto and be jealous of someone makin moves on him [if Sarada likes him]

Its ok to say what shes feeling whether the person likes it or not, its ok for her to have an opinion of how to address the Boruto situation and not just constantly following Sarada's reckless lead, its ok for her to be bothered by Sarada still calling her class rep despite all they've been through, its OK for Sumire to be selfish and allow herself to feel how she feels without shame, without guilt, and without remorse.

As for Kawaki getting his limiters off...I really dont know where the story is headed once that happens, will it make him stronger than Jura? if so then whose gonna take his place to have Boruto and Kawaki still on defense? we know its not Code, not without a massive power up atleast. And Daemon, will Kawaki be stronger than him? if so then that means he can finally take out those two threats to Naruto, Ada and Daemon.

Its hard to tell really, so until I know Kawaki's EXACT power scaling unlimited I cant make any predictions.

Anyway, thats all I can think of to potentially happen thus far.

Oh, some might be wondering about Sarada's EMS, some ppl think shes gonna get Hidari's Rinnegan but the whole reason Sasuke only got one is because Kishimoto thought he would look too alien with two, so Sarada getting both is slim for the same reasons.

Her only possibility for a EMS is the Shin clones, their all still alive with MS of their own at the orphanage, other than that theres a very slim possibility somebody nabbed the sharingans Obito had at his hideout, which I can only assume Orochimaru has the motive and intel to of gone and stole, so that might be a good chance for Sarada to have more of a connection with Orochimaru.

But yea, thats all I got for now, sorry if its a bit of a long read 😅 I didnt mean for it to be

[random-guy01]

Hii emm Idk if I should be writting here, I font even know why Im writting you lol

I just...its been like almost two years since I discovered feederism but I always kinda blocked the idea because I felt so "weird". Thats until I entered tumblr a few months ago, and I started touching myself seeing all those encouraging messages, all those posts telling me to eat more, to indulge...

My favourite part of the week became coming home, grabbing some snack and do that; touch myself and scroll trough tumblr, but then I realized that I was actually gaining, my sides were turning a bit peach like, not straight lines and I panicked. Theres this voice inside me that tells me this is so very wrong and I feel conflicted.

I see myself constantly battling between being horny and entering tumblr, and preventing myself from gaining, I dont wanna lose my thin shape but at the same time...Idk, Im a bit of a mess. Its been a few weeks since I stopped snacking, just seeing and touching to that.

Im sorry if this is a weird ask, I dont even know with what purpose Im writting you haha

No worries. It's actually quite common for new people discovering feederism, especially new feedees, to ponder and feel conflicted about it. I'll be honest, feederism is "weird" by most people standards. It is a niche/taboo kink that isn't seen in a good light by most of society. And yes, being fat is riskier for your health on average, there are real downsides. But that doesn't make it "wrong". The guilt, the shame, the way that a lot of people instantly associate fatness with something bad, with laziness, with failure; that's something quite common tbh, and it's mostly a cultural problem.

It isn't just about weight, eating or kink/fetishes. It's about how you deal with desire and restraint, hedonism x temperance.

For me, feederism is also a pure form of hedonism. Its about giving in and letting yourself feel good in the moment. Touching yourself with snacks in hand, scrolling through posts that turn you on, indulging without guilt nor shame. For most feedees, letting go and getting fatter isn't failure, it is happiness, relief and freedom.

Temperance is about self-control, mostly for the sake of approval. It's the voice that tells you to stop, to pull back, to stay "good" and thin, to be "accepted" by others, even if it makes you unhappy. Does any of that actually fulfill you though?

Both are always going to coexist when someone is making a decision, especially important ones. Just ignoring it won't make it go away, you need to face it. You need to find the balance that best work for yourself. Not what other people would aprove of, not whats "expected" of you. Maybe it's just dipping your toes in, teasing yourself but without actually going all in. Maybe it's a full surrender. Maybe its tiptoeing the line, testing how much indulgent and fatter you can get before it tips into something negative. Or maybe you already know that the tipping point has come, and deep down, you're just figuring out how to let go without feeling guilty about it.

That's your "inner battle", everyone is fighting some version of it. Yours just happens to involve feederism. You might be a bit of a mess, but so is everyone else, and at least you're honest about it.

Messages like this aren't weird, it's interesting and important to talk about such topics imo. You have to be honest with yourself, and also take the time to think it through.

[sad-leon]

Hello! I hope you're having a good day!

So many people in my life seem to be going through something right now, and I just wanted to give you an opportunity to share anything you might be going through. Good or bad, as specific or as vague as you're comfortable with. Or feel free to ignore if you'd rather not. No pressure at all!

I hope things are going well for you! But if not, I'll be sending prayers your way if you're comfortable with that!

I am... not.

and i haven't for a long time

I'll preface this entire post with a warning: THIS IS A VENT POST the only tags will be trigger warnings

I thinks i've said it once or twice, but I started school this year. This is my first year in college after taking a gap year and also telling everyon i wasnt gonna go. I know jack shit about what im doing and its fucking exhausting. Theres so many things that i feel like I should know but dont because all the college information given out in my highschool was geared toward the college in that town specifically, which is not the college im going to.

I've also moved. im entirely on my own, physically and financially. I just met with my job and am starting very soon which is not good because my sleep schedule is all wrong. I may be switching jobs soon, but i can't just quit becuase, like i said, im on my own.

and those are only the big two. lets speedrun this. my anxiety, my autism, i need new glasses, my feet hurt more than i think they should, im a system, my eating disorder, my aversions that make it hard to drink the water up here, the burnout, the exhaustion, executive dysfunction, i also likely have adhd which mean rsd. im touch starved and touch adverse

those are just what i can think of off the top of my head

but all of this had been leading to what might be a pretty nasty breakdown and soon.

im so fucking tired all the time and that makes it hard to draw, but thats one of my only ways to relax. i like playing mc, but i get bored easily and also i cant sit at my desk for long becuase it feels like my head is too heavy for my neck. it hurts. everything hurts and my job doesnt help me at fucking all.

i was able to draw tsob while dealing with most of my issues becuase all i had to worry about was work. looking at my current schedule, i can find the free time. the issue is using that freetime to draw and not just sleep or dissociate. finding home is very dear to me, but drawing it the way i am can be exhausting and i dont want to start hating it, so i just.. dont draw it most days

i stress constantly about how i appear on my blog becuase i want so badly to do this right. i want to be good at something, like, as a person, not just as an artist. but i hate myself too much to believe in any progress i make.

i know its the rsd mostly but i see groups and i feel gross. its not as bed now (any of you beans that have made it this far, ily /p) becuase i found a community i can actually interact with, but it still comes up, especially because i've moved away from all my irl friends and its so fucking hard for me to make them in the first place. like.. actual friends, not just people i can work with at school

if i keep going i'll probably talk myself in circles, so ill stop it here. theres a lot more but im not going to ramble about my suicidal, intrusive, or sh thoughts on this blog. this is a post to inform you guys of the state of mind im in. im lonely and sad and its all building up to a massive breakdown.

im not going to be leaving tumblr or giving up on my comic, but i probalby wont update as often as i did tsob. i just dont have the energy.

i also will probably post some of my traditional art cuz i gotta fill up a sketchbook for my animation class, so that also takes away from the time i use to draw digitally.

im so tired

[midnightmisadventures]

So this time we’re on our way home, i see he doesnt have any gas, so i say “you can stop here for gas” he pulls into the station and its dystopia city lol. Theres homeless people with broken limbs begging for help. Theres.....scary shit. So he goes ya know lets just get out of here.

So we’re driving and he’s being such a bad driver, constantly almost crashing. But we’re laughing about it. Then we’re holding hands, flirting, flirting. Massaging eachothers hands, being such a couple.  

And then he pulls my hand up to his mouth and i think he’s gonna kiss it. But instead he takes my two fingers (pointer and middle) and puts them in his mouth. And now its like.....hot. 

Like when i tell you i was turned on I WAS. So im playing into it, basically fingering his mouth. This is so graphic, but i can feel myself getting wet. He’s still driving but the sexual tension is building. Then he SLAMS into the break sort of. Pulls over. Idk if we home but i didnt care. He’s like...ready to fuck. So he stops the car. Pushes the seat all the way back and lowers it, and i get on top of him soooo ready lmao. I also still know this is a dream, so i dont have any nerves im just excited. Btw im wearing my yellow dress i wore to lias party. 

Anyway, now im on top of him, and i go in and kiss him but then notice. THeres puke everywhere. Like puke and drool coming out of his mouth, puke on his shirt, puke on the dash. And im confused?? And im like “uhh maybe like wipe your mouth or spit into something first” and im trying to look around for a napkin and not make him feel too embarrassed bc ew i just kissed his wet puke lips. 

THEN, the cops....or the town orderlies idk dystopia. Knocks on his window like get out whats going on, we need to search him. SO i quickly get off his lap lol back into the passenger. And the cops are like “what the fuck is going on” they didnt have any specific reason....idk it was confusing. So we were both changed out of our “school” uniform. And i think mark starts explaining to the guy that we’re on our way back from school. And hes like “yea i need proof of your uniform. preforably a clean one” so he’s looking and then the cops start searching his car and filing a report. And for some reason i was so confused as to where the puke came from and when it got there. 

So i was like “i dont understand was that ur puke” and he was like “yea it was me, i slammed on the breaks and boom threw up” and then i realize and am like “OH NO was it my fingers, did i gag you omg im so sorry” also being kinda cute about it. Like babe was it my sexy fingers teasing you?? And hes into it he’s like NO don’t apologize. Your fingers did nothing wrong, i wouldnt take that back, like i’d throw up 10 more times if it meant we got to be hot and tease eachother. So its kind of a cute funny moment, and i did like him, and i did want to kiss him more. But i just started looking around lol. The cops were here, we werent home yet. We had dystopian highschool again tomorrow lmao. I was like, this isnt worth it. This is a dream i should just cut out. Cause this can only get scarier, and what if i get in a situation where im stuck or in a scream proof room. I should just get out while i know i can, i dont feel like dealing with the authority in this dream world. 

So i leave marks side, go behind the car, and scream my lungs out. Literally it took all my might, i was worried it wouldnt work. Then i ended up in the “fake wake up” dream. And then i actually woke up.

Wasnt that a weird dream?

[frostyspinch]

just realised aside from the people i knew during my teen years who i later rekindled with ive only made 2 new friends in the years after 2018. its either others who dont stick aroudn or i dont...mostly due to me feeling like the friendship wont progress so its better to snip it in the bud (ive misjudged severely once) why cant i ever have a finely distributed two way reciprocated friendship where the timing favors us both and the circumstances are perfect and nothing ever gets in the way. and work takes 2 hours of the day. and mentall illness doesnt exist

im upset over this in a way it feels like im losing my time? my socialising abilities/my mental capacity to allow someone into my life and reconstruct my living rules are slowly decreasing, my brain plasticity over this kind of thing isnt the same as it used to be. like im starting to see the point in remaining to myself for the rest of my life. im terrified of reaching a point where i stop needing others, which is the moment i get separated from the human race. as relieving as it is, i really do want closeness like any other mortal. however, being the way i am right now takes far less work than to entirely change the life i knew til now. but when i see others and how easy it is for them to socialise i grow bitter a little bit. long stretches of aloneness truly turns u into a self-fulfillingprophet... ive been alone so im unfamiliar w the dynamic of NOT being alone and so i choose to stay alone some more . something something comfort of misery my most loyal beloathed friend etc. kills myself

theres a huge risk in meeting new people for me.. i think with those who i knew since i was very young every rekindle feels familiar, like im merely returning home to some new furniture but the buildings structure is the same so ik my way around. theyll always be people who i will know how to act around without being on edge or without the background reminder that i need to hide parts of myself. so even as we changed throughout the years their newly acquired layers didnt feel threatening, but rather like a story to catch up with of my favorite book series. new friends are just scary. u know nothing and there is no foundational ground set between you two, especially when you have autism im constantly worrying whether i understood their tone right or whether they got insulted by mine , its just a lot. we live in a world where even normal people find it difficult to make friends, so this discourages me even MORE ...

many will say not knowing a thing about a person is the best part bc process of knowing eachother is beautiful and i agree somewhat....but like..... people be lyingggggg bro. truthfulness is scarce nowadays. we live in peak lying era

theres the part of how deeply wounded almost every single person is. heartbreak of varying types accumulating the older u get, thus making u more suspectible to succumb to harmful sabotiging behavior, unless u get a good grip of the way ur mind works from a younger age and keep it in check. which i feel like most dont have the luxury to do. when ur in a bad environment u only ever have enough time to try and survive, and no one can guarantee how altered youll get out of it once u do. so its not only me who could overthink things and come to the wrong conclusion. theres also the other person, its such a delicate situation. and i really dont have it in me for temporary connections and failures and heartbreak and disappointment anymore. im a grown person , me and my homies long for permanence and security now. on one hand u really cant be mad, its an instinctual reaction to defend yourself and protect from hurt but .

.

.

.

.

.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[whitetrashgrandpa]

Also apparently she’s going to have a talk with me about favoritism???? I have no fucking clue. I’m a human being so of course there’s people I enjoy working with more than others but I don’t think I’ve shown anyone favoritism??? We’ll see if that talk ever actually happens. And even though I do think it’s bull shit it’s still making me anxious!!! One thing I liked about this job was I haven’t really felt like I have to worry about if I’m doing the right thing or not but now within the past couple months I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong and that theres going to be some bullshit “hey team” message after every shift. Like im starting to really dread working here and it’s causing so much unnecessary stress. 

[angelicpersonals]

A personal mini rant

Under the cut is just a small vent. Going through some things lately. I dont recommend having like 28 different friend groups, it sucks. My actual friends please don't read this, this is just to scream into the void at strangers.

Since I got sick like 3 or 4 weeks ago, I dont remember exact timeline anymore. My mental health plummeted faster, it was not the greatest before then and slowly deteriorating but it got worse worse worse. I have not had the support I needed from family or friends. Lets be clear I "make a lot of friends" but its mostly shallow and one sided friendships. Its "easy for me to talk to people" because I force myself to push down the crippling anxiety and I put myself out there as the butt of the joke making a fool of myself PERFORMING to be likeable. I have heard these things repeated to me by 8 different people the last 3 days alone when I was trying to get emotional support for my depression and loneliness. As for those 3 or 4 weeks. I had to be strong and supportive to everyone around me constantly during it even while sick I'd pop online and was helping people in DMs. A few people cared about my physical health. But mental? even fewer. Everyone thinks I have tons of friends that im beloved and have a huge strong support network. I dont. my "support" network consists of a "Well shit that sucks im sorry. So anyways about me-" for 99% of the people in my life. Theres the slim 1% thats actually there. Yet everyone thinks im so popular and lucky acting like I have no problems and if I do complain about problems its not as bad as everyone elses according to so many people and im selfish for even having problems. Im NOT. The "popularity" you see is because im the therapist and comedic f*cking relief. its not genuine support, its not encouragement. "but they react to your stuff with emojiis" Oh WOOOW yes, like they do everyone elses even STRANGERS. that doesnt make me special. "but they complimented xyz" oh so the occasional / rare compliment on somethings visual appeal like how HOT it is, makes it a supportive encouraging friendship that motivates and inspires me and feels good? Shallow temporary praise means NOTHING. Thats NOT friendship. I have to claw tooth and nail for anything in my life even to be included in hang outs. I have to INSERT MYSELF. Im never invited. If I leave a call 99% of the time im not missed or noticed or just get an "oh bye" yet everyone will worry over eachother when others leave saying they will miss eachother, asking if smth is wrong, etc. If I publically talk about my emotions 99% of the time it will be ignored except for the rare person like K, S and R. R who went pep talking EVERYONE one day. K & S who has been there every time I vent publically in my own server. If I vent in private it gets brushed over like "Shit I feel that way too, sucks for you" or worse I've gotten "you're so selfish" lately when I have said I didn't want to play a damn VIDEO GAME because I am mentally unwell. I will drop everything im doing and go through everything step by step with people pull out all my experiences to try to offer advice or support trying to find the right words to say taking it serious EVERY TIME. Does that sound like a fair equal friendship? When im supporting everyone elses emotions, mental health, dreams, art, writing, etc and I recieve 1% of that same energy back? Dont come @ me with how lucky I am says I get everything in life when I get ONE GOOD THING, I hear it EVERY time where as for me its a REPRIEVE from all the shitty things a RARE reprieve. I have heard this from too many people the past few days. Being in 25k debt as a household isnt lucky Getting to see 10 - 20$ of my 100$ a month isn't lucky. Getting 1k a YEAR isn't lucky Having breaking down old shit being unable to repair, afford to repair or afford to replace any of it, isn't lucky. Having to put in so much effort and energy into everything all the time in every aspect of my life even my family relationships, with no to miniscule and rare return, isn't lucky. Having constant disabilities and chronic illnesses / inherited illnesses fucking me up every single day and struggling through them isn't lucky. Im tired of feeling invalidated and minimized and having my pain ignored. Sincerely Fuck you K#2. A, P, R.

[dorkass-nerd]

it fucking sucks being disabled (mutual aid links at the end)

i'm so fucking sick of it.

i'm sick of the medical negligence i face on the regular

i'm sick of the amount of doctors i see year in year out

last year i saw (and i counted) 12 different doctors in around a 3 month period.

i've already lost count of the amount of times i've seen doctors this year

from speciaists, to normal planned doctors appointments, to emergency doctor appointments for constant and reoccuring issues that spring up out of seemingly nowhere and leave me crippled with pain.

i dog ear every page in my journal i keep to log all my medical issues

and i have a week-per-page diary

and about half of the pages are dog eared. i've just added a new dog ear and have another doctor appointment in a weeks time

i have almost no dignity left

i've been exposed in front of so many strange people, touched in places i never want strangers to touch, and been told again and again that "your bloods are fine theres nothing wrong!" as if bloods are the only way to glean any information on a patient.

a referall for a blood screen seems to have just gotten lost somewhere in the system and i had to wait over a month from booking a seperate blood test to the actual appointment day because walk in bloods are something that conventiently wasn't brought back after the covid scare died down (i know its still an issue i just mean its not cared about as much in places)

im working on a timer here, i want to emigrate, i want to leave this country that is actively harmful to my health and wellbeing.

i want to tie up as many loose ends as i can before i leave.

but the system is working against me, constantly, all the time

when i start to get somewhere with a doctor they leave and i have to start all over again with a new doctor. and recount my entire medical history because they don't have time to even skim my notes because of how swamped the system is.

the doctor im seeing now has been an immense help, and im glad to be finally getting somwhere but my g-d

i've fought tooth and nail for every inch of ground i've gained.

it shouldn't be like this.

for anyone

please do not worry about me when i say this, i am not suicidal, i would not kill myself. but i have reached the point in my disabilty journey where if death came to claim me i would welcome it with open arms and say "hey, you fucking took your time, lets get going, bags are already packed"

and please, before anyone comes in here and tells me i need to be grateful because i have free healthcare or whatever, i fully fucking recognise that, and i am grateful for it

but please

i need you to acknowledge

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

those two things can and do coexist.

but i guess on the other side of it if you want to help a bitch out in accumulating savings to get the hell out of here i'll drop links, help is much appreciated and i love you all <3

[forfuckssakejim]

Fanfic Q&A - Latest Fic Edition: 4

4. What’s the most challenging part about posting new/updated work? Do you find posting stressful or invigorating? 

writing and posting is stressful but invigorating, then it drops back down to stressful.

below the cut cuz uh, this got away from me and im in a weird headspace rn

like, im constantly stressing that all the work would be for nothing. or the idea sucks. or its not good enough. and like, i see those fics get fandom wide traction and im like 'i want that'. but in a roundabout way where I know it'll never happen and i build the fics up in my head and then thats where the stress comes in because I KNOW i shouldn't worry what others think of my writing and i write for me. but like, it's SO STRESSFUL when like you see your fics do poorly? like. for example, my nsfw version of EAS, it got over a thousand hits and 98 kudos! which like! that in its self should be good! but really its only 6.8% of kudos to hits. and then on top of that theres 8 comments, half of which are my own in responding to people. so 4. 4 comments. and don't get me wrong!!!! i love them!!!! and its always to same lil batch of people and god i love those readers who comment on all my stuff!!! don't get me wrong!! it just. idk.

like i know ao3 ettiquete and stuff is like "kudos are nice!!! it means someone likes it!" but like? idk. like i see it more as 'oh, a thousand people clicked it but 93% of them hated it and clicked the back button to find something else. oh? only 98 kudos? they were probably out of pity because it's so bad. and then! oh 4 people commented! they actually liked it. and it's just all the anxiety that goes into barring a part of my soul to people that has me always freaking out and panicking and NEEDING all my fics to be perfect and loved. and it just. it's enough to drive you crazy. and it has.

and then i finish a fic! ya know? and i'm hinting at it all the times and it's amazing! it's my best work! and i get all excited that i'm sharing it but then i'm hitting refresh on my email for the next hour. it's taxing.

but i love writing. i love writing fanfic. and sure i'll never make the fandom favorite that makes it on those "welcome to the fandom; here's our favorite fics" posts, and im okay with that.